i've been forced to grow up against my will

i'm typing with gloves on so this might prove to be a little frustrating. i'm typin this on word and posting it in a bit cause beth's on the phone with the jesster. hahaha the jesster. Led Zeppelin... yea they're my lovers. haha JoKiNg obviously. but i love them. sometimes i wish you could turn spell check off... the lil red lines make me lose focus. is it lose? or loose. no that's loose. okay. baby jesus it's cold in here. i wish i could play guitar... how fun would that be? no school today! (or Friday) cause it's been snowing recently and i have been so happy. but i've had absolutely no time to enjoy it. i hate it. i wish i was a lil kid with nothing else in the whole wide world to do but go out and play in the snow. another thing to put on the list of why growing up sucks.
let's review this list now:
- responsibility (is a bitch)
- boys (are so much more complicated now)
- maturity (is the most boringgg concept of all time)
- stress (NEVER EVER gives me break)
- no playing in the snow :(

i ain't nothing but a 10 cent lover. haha i never heard that line in that song before. niiice. (it’s topsy-turvy day in Berry?) sorry got a bit off track. but really that's all i needed to say. woah woah. i heard a really good song earlier by Norah Jones it's called Humble. and my dad got my momma the newest Wille Nelson cd for their 34th anniversary and it's pretty darn good. i made mom a pie today for her birthday that was 9 days ago, a lil late, but yummy. o oo i got a scarf that's longer than me at AE yesterday for $10. niiiice. dude i wish i brought my cameraaaa. why didn't i? i've missed many good photographic opportunities. like beth's "toothbrush" and some varied versions of our "homeless hair" (if you remember the previous pics?) ooo and Nemo slippers! and Dairy Queen looks... along with things for New Year's Eve. ahhh we'll never catch these things again. I watched the Terminal (the movie) the other nite with the 'rents and it's a freakin good movie. go rent it. seriously, you will not be disappointed. well you might... if you have boring taste in movies. then i feel sorry for you. Beth just proposed! and the Jesster's gonna be best man and Tiger is gonna be the maid of honor... tho he's a boy? hmmm... yea, we're demented. who knew? but back to a previous topic- last year i had time to play in the snow. and i had so much fun. in one damn year so much has changed. i've been forced to grow up against my will... well fuck that man. well hell. beth just said (jokingly) i don't care if you die your hair- you'll always be a lil redheaded bitch. oh no. i'm gonna go cry now. boohoo. and now she's talkin bout my newfound acne problem. i wanna die. not really... what would that achieve? nothing. i have seriously thought about running away for like a month tho... do you know how much fun that would be? but i couldn't run away alone... because, for example- i'm scared of the dark. yea i would never make it. but it'd be so spontaneous and just wonderfullll. i could do whatever i wanted. i will dream about that tonite. i'm gonna run away and play in the snow. anyone who wants to come... feel free. well that's the idea.
the other day i was thinkin about how i think the world has to revolve around me. i was gettin on my own nerves about it... that's how bad it was. i don't know what you do about an attitude like that. i don't think it'll ever go away. it's how i was raised i guess... youngest... in-my-own-way-spoiled. hard to explain. my constant need for attention (good or bad) is never going to leave me alone. example- one time when I got in trouble at Susie’s (my daycare) we broke the door off our playhouse, and she was videotaping us put it back to show our parents that we were bad and i kept smiling at the camera and just being really happy and she was like- Quit smilin, Laurel, you‘re in trouble! i just didn‘t care, as long as i was being videotaped. yea that was pointless... i'm weird. such a strange mix of stuff. baggage? at 15? oh hell. ooo i had a dream the other nite that i went insane. like literally. oh god i woke up and i couldn't breathe. and then like out of no where i started bawling for like an hour and couldn't stop for anything. it scared the hell out of me. i have a tendency of scaring myself shitless. guess it's yet another weird thing about me... but one less-known. very unknown, actually. it's funny... the things ppl who know you don't know. there's just a bunch of damn layers ppl gotta dig through... it's exhausting. i get it. it's a nice tool, tho. i mean only ppl who are really worth it get to really know you. so you don't (usually) have to worry about it. and well if it doesn't work you can just build 'em up a lil thicker... so it makes it a lil harder the next time. but there's always that one person who doesn't deserve it that get's through 'em. and hell it is 3:45 and i have to wake up at 11 and i'm goin on about a lot of shit ppl don't give a damn about. i'm sorry. nite y'all.

*REMINDER: the school-wide tsunami relief fund is still goin on- please give some $... your change will make a change! :) (no, i can not take credit for that catchy line)



oh look at how she listens
she says nothing of what she thinks
she just goes stumblin through her memories
staring out onto grey street
and she thinks hey- how did i come to this?
i've dreamed myself 1000 times around the world
but i can't get out of this place

and there's an emptiness insider her
and she'd do anything to fill it in
but all the colors mix together
to grey.... and it breaks her heart.

how she wishes it was different
she prays to god most every night
and though she swears he doesn't listen
there's still a hope in her he might

Dave Matthews is my lover. not jokin this time. haha