and i don't want to look much closer- 'cause i'm afraid to find out all this hope i had sent into the sky, by now had... crashed.

really the first 11 words of that sum it all up for me... that is me. read it again. fear has made me incapable of many things. and do you think that i enjoy that? the fact that i will never be able to maintain a serious relationship with another humanbeing, ever. and you think that i can help it. that these are my decisions. but it's my fears' dictation. i really have no say at all. no matter how much i fight it, i always end up hurting the ppl i care about the most. and in turn, tearing myself apart. do you think that that is a nice feeling? i wouldn't want to put anyone through that. and it is not a matter of being courageous and 'getting through it.' it will never work. that's why there are certain walls that will always remain standing, no matter how much i care about a person. atleast i know that. and now you do, too. i'm too deep for my own good- i think i might drown in myself one of these days.