walking in a winter wonderland

Christmas Eve. it means nothing this year... it's empty. no cheer. no anticipation. no fucking merriment. if this is what gettin older means it can kiss my ass. i can't even enjoy my favorite time of year! it just doesn't feel right. I know it's Christmastime but it doesn't feel like it. I guess that damn thing called 'change' holds the gun here. shot me in the damn head. or maybe my heart... haven't been able to figure out the difference. I was talkin to Michael last nite on the phone about how different everything is this year. he asked me why... and even tho i told him it was because i got bored, i know that isn't it... and that's not any kind of excuse, anyway. when i figure it out you'll be the first to know. but I'm sick of explaining myself to ppl... and having to give everyone reasons for things. I'd love to be left along for like week. you try but you don't understand. it's okay- i don't either! i'm even afraid to go to church... Michael wanted me to go to mass with him today and i just couldn't! i haven't been in so long that when i do go back i want it to be really personal. i used to think that i loved being busy and surrounded by people... but lately i've realized it's the exact opposite. but 2 ppl i never mind are Leslie and James! lol they've been here extra because of the storm. but that's like a blessing in disguise! oh and you are reading the blog of Leslie's maid of honor for her wedding! :)



"and I, I can see their eyes.
but tell me something, can they see mine?
cause what's left to lose?
I've done enough.
and if i fail, well then i fail
but i gave it a shot."
the Format